A Gift

My heart, soul, and mind have been in turmoil these past week or so.

Things ended. Or did they?

If they did… then the road ahead of me, while difficult at times, should be free and clear of doubt.

But doubts I had plenty of.

I doubted my own memories.

I doubted my capacity to love.

I doubted my strength.

In the midst of all that confusion though, I saw a gift laid down before me.

But it required something of me.

It required something that I was not ready to give up yet.

It required something that I have held on to.

Hope.

Hope that things will go back to the way they were.

They say hope is the last to go.

And when it left, there was no farewell party to send it off.

I almost missed it, were it not for the fact that I noticed… I felt lighter somehow.

It left quietly, slipping past my fingers like fine sand.

As I watched it leave I sighed, waved a quick goodbye, and managed a small but genuine smile.

Because hope floats, still.

Just not for the same thing.

Some things you have to let go, so you can move on to build and create something better in its place.

Start over.

Sure. It may not be easy from time to time.

But starting over is really not all that bad.

Not when you keep your hopes up for something better.

So. Do I know what that is?

What that something better is?

You know what, I actually do.

And that, is a gift I’m now ready to receive.

Big Girls Don’t Cry

Well. Hello there.

Long time, eh?

I know. I’m sorry about that. I purposely stopped writing. I wanted to live out the things I was experiencing and “process” them in the moment.

I flew… I soared… I saw many beautiful heart wrenching sights… I heard many a love sonnet whispered in the wind.

I flew.

And the higher I flew, the more I realised, there were things down below that I didn’t see at first. There were things that I needed to pay attention to. At first I resisted, opting instead to flap my wings harder, defiant of gravity and all that it implied.  Then all my flapping tired me out and I found myself gliding back down and slowly settling in on the ground, looking up at where I came from and looking around me at where I actually was. It wasn’t an unexpected drop. If anything… I saw it coming.

I saw it coming and thought I didn’t have the strength in me to do…what I know to be right.

To silence and soothe that voice within me that says (and still says), “it’ll be ok if only you work harder at it”.

Because sometimes, working harder at something is just not the answer.

So while yes, I could stay. I could work harder. I could love more. I could.

But I’m choosing not to.

Instead I’m choosing to go back to square one.

Sometimes we have to go back to the basics.

Even at the risk that what we’re letting go of now, will no longer be there. Maybe that’s a good thing though. Maybe we need to let go of something first to be able to create something better in its place. Someday. Maybe.

I flew. And for now I am a little tired.

But hope floats still.

In the meantime, while I don’t necessarily think “big girls don’t cry”, truth is, I haven’t been able to shed a tear. Even when my heart feels like it’s been been thru a meat grinder. At first I thought my experience has numbed me to the point that I am now able to shed invisible tears. But the more I sink down and settle into things, the more I realise, I can’t cry over something I feel happy about.

I know, seems conflicting. Ah, but we’re human. We can experience conflicting emotions.

I feel sad things ended. And that they ended the way they did.

I feel happy things ended. And that they ended the way they did.

Go figure (insert wry self-deprecating smile here).

For now, I leave you with this song. Big Girls Don’t Cry by Fergie.

It Doesn’t Matter

I was on my way home earlier the other night when I started thinking about…  past and possible futures.

When I recall the choices I’ve made,  about love or something like it, I can’t help but smile. Sometimes it’s a great big smile, sometimes it’s a smile that starts slowly, wistfully, and ends with me sighing.

My last post was about how to have your heart (mine in this case) broken…and much of that still holds true. I found out though, that just as someone had written, it was in the cracks where light got in and filled mine with a lot more than I had expected. So no, my silence from this blog was not because I was nursing a broken heart…it was because I felt a little bit in awe at what is actually possible.

I jumped and found out I can fly.

But I’d like to talk a little about another way you can have your heart-broken… when a choice you make necessarily means having to let go – of a possible future, of how you feel, of someone.

I’m human… part of me felt selfish and wanted to shy away at the thought of having to let go and in fact contemplated not being truthful about a choice I had made. But as I had mentioned in my previous post, better the ugly truth and that applies to my behavior as well. And as the words came out of my mouth, I felt my heart break little by little. Rationally I know it’s not possible to be in love with two people at the same time, but I know in my heart you can actually love two people at the same time. Whether differently or almost the same way, it doesn’t matter. Love is love.

And part of loving someone is, as has been written about in so many a love song and love story, letting go.

“I’ll miss you.”