Impact Zone

If I could repeat my last post here… I would.

But I’m tired of feeling sad.

Now don’t get me wrong. I don’t feel sad all the time.

Far from it.

But when I do… I find myself feeling almost utterly despondent. It affects me far more than I feel is healthy for me.

Ok… let’s scale back on the descriptions and for interest’s sake let me just say…

I guess when I love someone, and something happens that feels sad for me, it’s a bit like trying to swim up when I’m caught in the impact zone while surfing.

The best thing to do is to relax, conserve my breath, and let myself float up to the surface.

But in the moment I’m being tossed around and dragged under, I can’t help but feel almost paralysed and the thought of drowning would cross my mind.

At least for a second. Give or take two. Maybe five.

That’s what feeling sad is like for me … being caught in the impact zone and feeling that I’m being dragged under with only a slim chance of doing anything to fight off its paralysing effect.

Except write.

To hopefully exorcise the feeling. Let it float to the top. To a place where it can breathe in new hope.

Well.

At least that’s the image I want to take to bed with me.

 

 

 

 

Insidious

Let’s talk a little about something I have experienced at one time or another. Be forewarned, this is not a happy-happy-joy-joy post.

I want to write about what some people might say is the opposite of what happy is… feeling sad.  I’d like to say that’s debatable though, but for this post, let’s assume that’s accurate.

I’ve always said I’d rather feel mad, than sad.

When I feel mad, it’s adrenaline coursing thru my body. It may not look like or sound like it, but it is a way to do things, a way of moving, letting energy run its course until it can stop and rest at a mutually satisfying solution.

But sadness, I don’t like at all.

Because sadness sets in when being mad is something that’s stunted, its natural expression denied.

Sadness sets in because being mad enough to want to fight for something begins to feel useless, at some point.

And so sadness, while at first may manifest itself as Dalai Lama worthy calm, drama free expression, is actually  an insidious feeling that sets up camp in my heart and takes on a vice-like suffocating grip on it. Refusing to let go or be let go of.

Until something is resolved.

And that something is usually something simple – something we all want. To be understood. To not feel alone.

Lonely I can deal with. Lonely I can do something about. Feeling lonely comes and goes even in the happiest of relationships. Lonely I don’t worry about.

Feeling sad though, feeling tired of being misunderstood, feeling alone… has an almost paralysing numbing effect.

Where to pull myself out of it requires more than just words. More than just a few laughs here and there.

It requires hope.

And that’s what I find so insidious about sadness… sadness, if unchecked and unaddressed, will grab hope by the throat and slowly choke it until it goes limp.

No longer able or willing to fight for things worth fighting for.

I’m writing this in the hopes that writing about it may exorcise the feeling.

But tonight, it would seem, despite my best efforts, I not only feel sad.

Tonight, I am sad.

 

Tomorrow is another day… but it is already tomorrow. And I am still sad.