Children Do What They See

It’s entirely possible. As in fact it has been for some time. That it’ll be just  me and him.

Not against the world…no…I don’t see it that way and I don’t want him to either.

Me and him navigating our way around this world. And nothing quite brings tears so easily to my eyes as the thought of not being able to give him everything he needs (not necessarily what he wants – for that I’ve had to rely on my better judgment and hope for the best).

But for the longest time, I’ve felt… guilty at one point or another. I know I did nothing wrong. In fact, it was the best thing to do – and  necessary –  to keep us safe – but seeing him grow up without a “male figure” to look up to has kept me awake some nights wondering to myself…

…how do I teach him how to shave? (Up? Down? Sideways?!)

…how do I talk to him about the birds and the bees and how they “pollinate”? (Covered that area about a year ago, and I was very “scientific” about it…but we all know that’s not exactly all there is to it right?)

…how do I, a woman, teach a boy what being a good man is all about? (Which is all I want for him really – to grow up to be a good man and be happy with who he is).

As is its nature, doubt silently creeps in when I see other families who have a more “conventional” set-up and from time to time, all I can think of is he needs a father – that I should, well, start looking earnestly. And choose one who would make a good father. Stat.

So I look, and I go out, and I tell him what dating is all about.

He’s non-committal most of the time – I suppose for a 9-year-old, hearing about his mother’s dating life isn’t exactly something to get excited about. Mostly he just asks how late I’ll be coming home and if I had a nice time. And I worry what kind of lesson my somewhat erratic dating life teaches him – as for what constitutes erratic, now that’s an entirely different blog post.

But then, there are those days, while snuggling before going to sleep, and I feel the need to ask him for the nth time if he feels happy being my son, when he raises an eyebrow at me and indulges my self-serving question with an answer that just breaks my heart… “I know what you’re asking. And you’re enough Mom.”

Now it’s during those days that I know – despite a lot of trial and errors on my end, compounded by some unintended actions  (like accidentally throwing a pillow his way when his snoring woke me up in the middle of the night. But it was just that one time. I swear.) -  somehow, I can  relax and not try so hard at being the perfect parent for him.

He’s fine.

He’s more than fine.

I may not be able to  save him from making mistakes when the time comes that he has to decide for himself what he needs (and wants), but this moment, I am certain he is  a good boy with a good heart and what he needs, is a mother who’s happy with herself and her life choices.

After all, more often than not, children do what they see, not what they’re simply told, don’t you think?

…Happy Mother’s Day to every mother out there.

“Mom’s” the word.

Of Clichés

“It was bound to happen”. Quite unlike “a well oiled machine”…my memory is not what it used to be.  Well, I guess that’s what happens when you reset all your passwords at the same time and rely on “sheer will power” to remember the different variations you used…at, what? Six o’clock in the morning?

“Dog-gone it!“ I’ve managed to lock myself out of a work-related email account.  But  am I  “one happy camper” to have an occasion to use that term.  What else can I do except “roll with the punches” and try to see the “silver lining” in this situation?

“A tall order” though when this particular email address is one I’ve placed in my CV for the projects I’ve applied for.  I guess I can simply “throw my hands up in the air” and “throw in the towel” - accept defeat…“call it a day” and “let bygones be bygones”.

But… that’s just not me. I’m “going down swinging”. “No way, Jose” am I just going to “sit idly by” and “hope for the best” - that by some “stroke of luck” I’d suddenly remember.

I’ve managed to unlock the email account I use for my blogs, I can mange to unlock the email account I use for work related matters, right? “The glass is half-full not half-empty”.

Ok. Ok. I’ll stop. Speaking (or writing) in Clichés is a lot harder when you do it consciously. Hmm, perhaps that’s what I should do then – stop all conscious effort at remembering my password (my persistence has ironically translated to a longer waiting period to have my account recovery options made available again because it seems like someone -me- is trying to hack into the account).

Isn’t that just so typical of life? You push and you pull when sometimes the best thing to do is to stop. Just stop doing.  Who was it that said it again? “Insanity is doing the same thing again and again and expecting a different outcome”.

Consider me to have gone temporarily insane then (the obsessive part of my personality just couldn’t wait more than a day before trying to log in again)…At least I got a blog post out of it though

And for now, I guess I’ll just have to rely on a “tried and tested” method of communicating  - the phone call. Outdated? Outmoded? Maybe. Or maybe some things really do need “a personal touch” and this was the universe’s way of teaching me this lesson.

Now how cliché  is that?

An Open Letter

And still on the topic of “connecting” with people…

I owe someone a post. I said I’d post about it because it seemed so surreal.

Someone I used to talk with a lot over the phone during the course of one summer during my teenage years (more or less 15 years ago), “found” and reconnected with me via a social networking site. That fact however, is something which, to be perfectly honest, I had forgotten about already.

How can I forget?  Was it because he didn’t make an impact in my life then? Was it because I was completely self-centered at the time that I focused on me and not the experience of connecting? … Was it the anaesthesia I begged for when I gave birth to my son?

I have no answer to that other than to say, I’ve moved on. And as it is when you move on, some parts of your  life gets left behind too.

He has been great at keeping in touch. We talk on the phone again sometimes…and while at first I appreciated his efforts at reaching out, I was also put off (and this he knows because I made it a point to say so) by how our conversations went initially. After the first “remind me again how we know each other talk”, reminiscing over and over about the past is not really one of my favorite things to do. It seemed though, that he saw me still as who I was back then.

Only I’m not. I’m a different person. I’ve changed, evolved, grew up, and changed again over the course of the  many years that we weren’t in touch.

Back in the day when people still wrote on your yearbook  the proverbial “don’t change!” message in one variation or another, I thought it flattering then. Not so much now.

Who wants to remain static? Certainly not me. I pursue interests these days I never thought I would have before, think and do things other people think and say I can’t…or shouldn’t… I’ve done well and I’ve also made mistakes along the way (and learned from them).

 ”…And all that means one thing. I’m not the person you once knew. Sure I’ve kept true (tried to most of the time)  to what I valued then, but I’ve also discovered parts of myself and other passions and values that make me a lot different from the way I once was. If this friendship is to continue, you’re going to have to move past the image and memory you hold of me in your mind – see thru it to get to know the person I am today.  You’re going to have to assume nothing about me or let go of your assumptions. And no judgments. You’re going to have to get really curious about who I am. I’ll be doing the same on my end.

But. If I don’t feel any those things are happening. Or, I feel like you continue to be “stuck in the past”, like you mentioned one time, this will not work out. I say  that not out of cruelty nor do I take any pleasure in saying it. 

Thank you for calling for these past weeks. Your calls had a way of making me feel connected with the world at a time when I especially felt so disconnected with my life. But…I have to confess, I have deliberately not taken your calls lately. Why? Because I need to feel you’re genuinely interested in who I am now…and to be honest, I haven’t exactly felt that energy coming from your end. To be fair, I asked myself if I am. Genuinely interested in getting to know you again at this stage in our life. The answer is yes. It doesn’t come without conditions though. But I do believe they’re good conditions -both our times are precious enough as it is. Let’s spend it wisely. Not in the past. Rather here and now.”

I didn’t intend for this post to come out as an open letter …so to speak. But even though it turned out that way, I’m still posting it because it applies to any friendship/relationship I intend to nurture and keep.   So it stays here as a reminder to myself.

“And if you think or feel the same, I’d be glad to pick up where we left off. If not, that’s alright too. I wish you well and thank you… for giving me back a part of my memory.”

Reset. Connect.

So. I woke up really early today with a feeling of unease. I  couldn’t shake it. I thought at first I was having an anxiety attack due to the fact that I have not yet locked down some projects I thought I would have been able to do so by now.

But no, that wasn’t it. I know how that feels like – it’s a kind of panic that starts on your toes and fingers, making you feel numb all over as your mind runs around like a headless chicken worrying about all the bits and pieces of your life choices, second guessing everything.

No that wasn’t it at all. Not today (and I’m thankful for that). My outlook has greatly improved in the past 2 weeks and I’m leaning more towards excitement than anxiety.  Which, come to think  of it, on some level, feels almost the same…except for the negative outlook.  I owe  this new hopeful attitude partly to the good people who will rename unnamed here but whose mere presence in my life have helped inspire and motivate me.

But I digress.

Anyway. There I was then, trying to go back to sleep and failing miserably. I didn’t hear my alarm yet so I knew it was still early. When I checked my phone, I saw messages from friends (bless their hearts) asking if I was ok.

Turns out, my email accounts got hacked. For the first time. And hopefully the last.

They, my friends, asked if I was ok because apparently, I was supposed be have been mugged in Paris, and needed funds to come home.

I wasn’t in Paris though (dang it) and I haven’t been mugged (a big thank you for that), but I did  feel violated because of it. And to think even I have a hard time remembering my passwords.

I spent the better half of the day making sure my accounts were secure and when I was finally satisfied, I stopped and thought about how timely it seems that I’ve disconnected this blog from social networking sites I participate in … so if you’ve noticed the dramatic (yes, dramatic) drop in subscribers, that’s because I’m no longer automatically posting on different sites that connecting with WordPress means tallying up all your friends or followers as part of  your readership base .

At first I felt a sense of loss  (“I’ve lost so much readers!”).

Then I felt…good. You know how you have a thousand or so friends on Facebook but only  a handful of people on it that you actually interact with in real life? And you know how good it feels to interact with those handful?  That’s what I felt.

It feels more personal now. Well, to those subscribed to this blog (and the same goes with the blogs I’m subscribed to), we have never met, but we have spoken. We have interacted. We have connected one way or another. And isn’t that just the greatest feeling? When you truly connect with a person.

I want more of that in my life…and I’m working on it. “Work” may very well be a four-letter-word but it does hold  true – relationships need work. Those you want to keep at least. Those that are good for you. Those that lift you up high above the din of the noise in your head and set you down on the calm ocean of possibilities that is your life.

As for my email accounts, I’ve already reset them and hopefully my security settings will protect them from hackers. Now, if only  I can  remember which passwords I used for which account, I’d be all set.

Onward And Forward

My self-imposed silence from the blogosphere may not have been missed – or hardly noticed…and no, I’m not writing that here because I want reassurance of some kind from whoever reads this post.

I just know and understand that sometimes, well, more often than not…life happens in between blog posts.

And there’s been a lot going on around me lately – by my own doing. Choices I’ve made are reaping their consequences.

Funny word. Consequences. It always has a negative ring to it doesn’t it?

But all actions, decisions, choices have consequences and who’s to say what’s positive and what’s negative about them?  Perhaps it’s just perception then?

I perceive myself to be in a situation now where I can, chart my course. And that’s a highly covetable position to be in. But then, I also perceive myself to be in a situation where “security” as I have defined it to be a steady stream of pay check month to month is no longer quite as predictable. Which perception should I choose, seeing as all things being equal, they are the same only at different ends of a spectrum?

It’s funny too how people have reacted to my decision – some (and to these people I feel most grateful for) have applauded my choice, bolstering my self-confidence when I tended to waver from time to time with talks of not just living to work. In some of these talks I’ve opened up about how I feel silly sometimes for having made this choice – what with a child and other financial obligations to speak of – but then again, I have found comfort in their tales of success  both in the traditional (let’s not mince words – MONEY) and non-traditional sense (call it purpose, meaning, or whatever makes you feel best about being you, where you are, and doing what you do). You can have both it seems. And I’m off to just that… in a few days.

I say in a few days because I took some time off. A week at the most, to…think of nothing (actively not worry) and just feel grateful instead. In a predominantly Catholic country, this time of the year is especially designed for this sort of reflection and I’ve decided to take full advantage of it.

Under the circumstances, I’m happy to say, I do believe I’ve managed to do so – feel grateful and be grateful. There are so many variables that are up in the air that I won’t even deign to say I’ve got it covered. But this I know, I already have and experienced so much to be grateful for. And even the unknown is something I can be thankful for. Why? Because, as one friend so aptly put it… exciting times ahead. Whatever happens, even with all the uncertainty surrounding my present circumstances – which I take full responsibility for – exciting times do lie ahead.

Onward and forward then. Give or take a couple of days more.